Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Wheeling and Dealings, part 5 of 7

Wheeling and Dealings

But, in truth, it's not that one

because, how can I make a contract with myself?, how can I, or anyone be so divided?, and yet this is a common psychological representation, for me an example of inaccurate analysis, of sloppy use of language and an artificial architecture of introspection, long time shaping our psychology, at least back to Laing and others who explore in depth a “divided self,” creating false images, as if there is more than one mind, rather than a mind confronted with multiple options, uncertain, conflicted, confused by its choices, its decisions, its risks, of who to be and what to do, but like a sack full of all that we travel with, treasures, necessities, leaky containers, things we should have long ago discarded, trash and broken objects, a rumpled sack, a torn sack from which things are lost, but all that is in the sack, pressed together, perhaps grinding, perhaps breaking, all of this is what our self is made of, and this is its wholeness, however empty or overstuffed or jumbled the sack may be; and thus my contention: I cannot make a contract with myself! since such an idea is built on the illusion that I am also not-I; and yet, and yet... one identity can dominate another, can gobble up possibilities and prey on the needs of conflicting identities, as if, or until I am not-I, or I am hurting I...

But in this case, at least, no, Josh, I am not breaking a contract with myself, but with the One that sent me here, that lifted me from inconscience, however minute that lifting may have been, that inspired me and told me, “go forth and study this world and report back to Me; go forth and explore this world and reflect and evaluate all you see and offer it up to those who would listen, because what you see well, I will have shown you, and what you say well, I will have dictated, but what you mis-see and what you mis-tell will fall away, like chaff blown away by the wind, but after all, if the harvest is good, then grain will be gathered and Souls will be fed and strengthened; this I believe as a caster of seeds and a gleaner of sheaves, even tho I have planted and wandered on, and, having wandered, cannot perceive the harvest, altho in my rounds it appears that few have gathered what has grown behind me, and fewer, surely, perhaps none at all, are sustained by the produce; yes, I realize this, and worse, I realize that of the many wonders I have seen, perhaps all are but illusions, and all I have told is but chaff, yet this I believe: where I have shirked my contract, there will I be held accountable, but where I have served, God will know, and where I have served well, God will use it and increase it.

And I take a fifth breath.

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