Yoma, 1

This post is the first of 4 in a progression showing the main steps in the evolution of the poem Yoma, from
1. its sketch in The Atternen Juez Talen, to
2. a significant rewrite [jump to this rewrite], then
3. a second significant rewrite [jump to this rewrite], and finally
4. the embedding of liturgical texts and explanatory notes. 
          [jump to completed version]
In reality, the process didn’t evolve like that. The original text in The Atternen Juez Talen included some explanatory notes. The first significant rewrite added more notes, and then later, liturgical excerpts from the ArtScroll Yom Kippur prayerbook. The second significant rewrite actually required my removing all the notes and liturgy, so I could appraise more easily the actual conceptual and literary flow of the poem. I have arranged the unpacking of the poem’s development in its current order to aid the reader, who, most likely, will find the final version rather complex and difficult to grasp as a whole, without first seeing the second rewrite version (step 3 in the list above), with notes and liturgy stripped out.

FYI, letters, words, and phrases in quotes or brackets (and colored light red) are alternatives that I was juggling. Actually I have removed a significant number of these alternatives to simplify the texts. When I am considering alternate words (or alternate suffixes) I place all of them in a single set of parentheses. When I am considering alternate phrases, I put each phrase in its own set of parentheses, or brackets if it’s a longer phrase.

Also, “eka d’omray” is a Talmudic term meaning “others say”, reflecting a disagreement among the sages, or a discrepancy in how texts or events were remembered. I use it to maintain alternative readings, and to amplify meanings.

Original version:

Now the Yoma*. Ar hevvennee assen(ts);
                     * Yoem Kepoor; name uv bouk in Tawlmid on the toppek
Begin (the in) (ar) deth-staten boddee an sens
Tu (the)  (klenzen klimen) (a) seel, holee a thot.
No (needen befogg(en ee)) (a) foodz, no [deziyerr(en ee) sex][(karnellee erj];
Stattes an munneez (left at the gaets)(havven no plase)(stript uv thaer meen).
With ar tulleet (drapen)(a tenten) over ar hed,
Faesles, (withowt)(stript ov) ar boddee a pride,
Thaer we stanz befor ar Lor
Hu seez an mezherz the werth uv us,
Him assinen ar (dayz daez) an we map it (on Hem)(frum thaer)
Then (mezherz wochen wayen) (wether how) we (lissen an serv)(map in on Hem).
Us, hu (livven)(enfoeld uv) this limmennel werl
Between (the ar) Addom (an Aden uv us)(an atternen Lief)
     (an the See a Lite)(an ar foton seel)(an the C uv us).

Eech uv us thaer liken hi preests
In ar kotten kittelz*, ar (dethee holee) (roebz shrowdz),
                 * robe uesd az shrowd; also worn on Yoem Kepoor
Standen (heer in)(in the gloem uv) Addomz (tume tumah),
Heer at Adenz (fiyerree impassabbel enshrowden) gaets,
[Gaten tu life an deth, the same,][The gaet a life az the gaet a deth,]
Az klose tu God az a (feengerz seengerz*) breth
                 * or eka d'omray both
[An az far awway az the Lor iz vast.][An yet a threshoel, hu kan (pas kros)?]
Thaer ar prayen tu bild a brij
Intu the atternen breth uv us.
Owwerz, ajez, ar hevvee werks
An then the shakhreet* (pray lite) iz dun.
                 * Heebru for morneeng