Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Yoma, 3

Yoma, second significant rewrite. Here I have stripped out all the notes and most of the alternatives, to create a text that can be more easily read and critiqued. I leave the stars (*) to show where notes were stripped out.
Jump to Yoma 1, the first sketchout
Jump to Yoma 2, the first revision
Jump to Yoma 4, the completed version

Now the Yoma* uv hevvennee assents;
Beyonden ar Addom an the driven ergz,
Tu the gaten a liv an deth, the same.

With ar tulleet a tenten* in waverree feelz,
Faesles, stript ov ar boddee a pride,
Thaer we stanz befor ar Lor.
Hem expresshen ar dayz that we kan a volv,
Tu kwannaffy us, [ar (waez waevz werth) an ar][ossallaten a] skael.
The mappen uv Hem an the mappen uv us:
The differrenshelz, thay ar the skael.

Us, an enfoeld uv this limmennel werl
Uppon ar Addom at the ej uv the (See C)*.

Liken hi preesten we stan in this ej
In ar kotten kittelz* an a shrowd a deth,
[Stan in the gloem uv]

               [Unferrellen (life faeth hope) intu] Addomz tume*.
Faentlee, frinjen uv lite in the wawlz,
Slivverren Adenz* that pulsen (theze ar) selz,
Reshapen ar thots. How thin we ar!
Az klose tu God az a feengerz* breth
An az far awway, an the Lor iz vast!

Ware we be hoelden ar tumah seel.
Thaer (az we) unfoelden ar lumah weengz
Tu span the turbolen (See C skaelz) uv us.
An now we ar reddee tu (open(z) enter) the Ark
An (enter merjen speken) the Vois [that spoken the werl].
Momenten ajez, a skroel intu wun.
An then ar morneeng iz neerlee dun.

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