Yoma, 2

Here's the first significant rewrite of the poem Yoma, presented in the post Yoma, 1. As in that first post, letters, words, and phrases in quotes or brackets (and colored light red) are alternatives that I was juggling.
Jump to Yoma 1, the first sketchout
Jump to Yoma 3, the second revision
Jump to Yoma 4, the completed version


Now the Yoma* uv hevvennee assents;
Beyonden ar Addom an the driven ergz,

With ar tulleet a tenten* in waverree feelz,
Faesles, stript ov ar boddee a pride,
Thaer we stanz befor ar Lor
[Hem seez (an in the) mezherz the (werth skael) uv us]
    [Hem seez (an in the) mezherz an (valyuez skalen us]
    [Hem seez (an in the) mezherz ar ampeltuedz].
    [In ar waverree Seez Hem mezher us.]
    [Hem Seez for kwantaffy ar (waez waevz werth).]
(Hu Hem) expresshen ar dayz an we a volv it frum thaer.
The mappen uv Hem an the mappen uv us:
[(The In) disparattee(z) [an despaer uv us.]
    [The differrenshelz ar the maetrex uv us.]
Us, an enfoeld uv this limmennel werl
Uppon ar Addom *at the ej uv the (See C)*.
                        *-* eka d’omray: in the C uv God

Liken hi preesten we stan in this ej
In ar kotten kittelz* an a shrowd a deth,
[Stan in the gloem uv]
                [Unferrellen (life faeth hope) intu] Addomz tume*,
                        * eka d’omray: tumah, impyurattee
[Gaten tu life an deth, the same,]
Az klose tu God az a feengerz* breth
                        * eka d’omray: seengerz
An az far awway, an the Lor iz vast!

[(Thaer ar) prayen tu bild a brij]
                [Unberden ar seel an unfoelden weengz]
(Tu span)(Tu sael on) the (atternen turbolen) (breethen See C) uv us.
Momen an ajez, (ar watee werks)(now wun an the same),
(An (heer then so))(Until) the morneeng lite* iz (dun){weak}.                        * eka d’omray: pray